


The Day The Lord Said Yass

by JLPierre



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, F/M, Gen, Group chat, Humor, M/M, Murder, Text Icons, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-20 19:45:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12440322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JLPierre/pseuds/JLPierre
Summary: After being entirely inspired by TheMostIncorrectHouseOfBlack on tumblr, this little ball of madness was born.Regulus: You know what would make that more… believable? The “YASS” hands.Voldemort: Excuse me?





	The Day The Lord Said Yass

**Voldemort:** Well done.  
**Voldemort:** I’m proud of you all.

 **Regulus:** You know what would make that more… believable? The “YASS” hands.

 **Voldemort:** Excuse me?

 **Regulus:** You know.  
**Regulus:** This.  
**Regulus:**  
**Regulus:** Without emoji’s, you seem mad.

 **Voldemort:** I do not feel things.

 **Regulus:** Except rage. Murder. World domination. And a lust for my cousin.

 **Voldemort:** Fine.  
**Voldemort:** I do not feel ‘basic’ emotions.

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** Someone fetch Reg some burn ointment, cause he’s just been served.

 **Voldemort:**  

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** Oh Sir. You have outdone yourself.

 **Regulus:**  

 **Voldemort:**  

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** This is the best day of my life.

* * *

  
**Bellatrix:** He’s here AGAIN  
**Bellatrix:** He doesn’t know I am. I’ve been waiting, purposefully.  
**Bellatrix:** He broke in. Again.  
**Bellatrix:** Could I Murder him for that cause?

 **Regulus:** Who? Sirius?

 **Sirius:** As if I’d be there.  
**Sirius:** Stop using the 'Black' WhatsApp for in-important things. Some of us are busy.

 **Bellatrix:** Go cry a river, Sirius, nobody gives a fuck.   
**Bellatrix:** I feel he doesn't know he’s not wanted.

 **Regulus:** “Something Mother would say about Sirius”

 **Sirius:** Fuck you, Regulus.

 **Regulus:** Someone isn't "busy" now.

 **Sirius:** I will punch you in your fucking eye you momma's boy, shut up. 

 **Regulus:** If you can't take the heat, get the fuck out of the kitchen.

 **Sirius:** I'M NOT EVEN IN THE KITCHEN YOU DOSSILE FUCK. 

 **Regulus:**  

 **Bellatrix:** CISSA  
**Bellatrix:** GET IN HEREEE AND STOP MOLESTING THE BLOND FUCK!

 **Narcissa:** You bellowed.

 **Bellatrix:** I saw you lurking. You do realise we can all see that you have read the messages. We aren't all Regulus.

 **Regulus:** HEY!

 **Sirius:** LOL, tell him Bella

 **Bellatrix:** Shut up, Sirius. No one likes a BLACK SHEEP.   
**Bellatrix:** He’s here. Again.

 **Narcissa:** Well he is your husband. He does live there.

 **Bellatrix:** But I don’t like it.  
**Bellatrix:** I don’t like him.

 **Regulus:** …

 **Bellatrix:** I might murder him.

 **Narcissa:** You can’t Murder everyone you dislike, Bella.

 **Bellatrix:** Watch me.

 **Narcissa:** You dislike everyone.

 **Regulus:** You do, Bella. I’m sure there’s a library of people that have wronged you now, rather than a list.

 **Bellatrix:** I’m going to murder him. Just a cheeky slit to the throat. Nothing too OTT.

 **Regulus:** Um…  
**Regulus:** Wait isn't Rolly in here?

 **Narcissa:** Good luck. Do not get blood on the floor, AGAIN. I'm not sure how often I can convince the house-elves to assist in your 'mopping' up. They'll want paying soon.

 **Regulus:** Um. Guys?  
**Regulus:** Anyone.  
**Regulus:** Bella? Cissa?

 **Rodolphus:**  Hello.

 **Sirius:** Awkward.

* * *

**Regulus:** I need you, Sirius. 

 **Sirius:** Of course you do. I am thee best. 

 **Regulus:** Brilliant. Super helpful. Thank god you’re around.

 **Sirius:** I sense sarcasm. I choose to ignore.  
**Sirius:** What do you need?

 **Regulus:** I need you to stop whatever you are doing and come home, Mother is... dressing me up.

 **Sirius:** I will come home. 

 **Regulus:** Wait, seriously?

 **Sirius:**  Couldn't resist could ya, Reggie. 

 **Regulus:** Ah fuck.

 **Sirius:** I'll save that for later.  & I will come home for the entertainment of seeing you as mother's doll. Not because I pity you.  
**Sirius:** Sirius will be home as soon as.

 **Regulus:** Third person? Really?

 **Sirius:** This is notj kdAJBK.dv  
**Sirius:** Ignore that.  
**Sirius:** I'll be home. Gimme 5.  
**Sirius:** Fine. 10.   
**Sirius:** I'm being told 30 mins? That work for you. 

 **Regulus:** Who is that  & who are you with?

 **Sirius:** Air.

 **Regulus:** You don't let anyone touch your phone!  
**Regulus:** And air? Really? Fuck me you're thick.

 **Sirius:** You believed me!

 **Regulus:** I did not. Get home and do your brotherly duty.

 **Sirius:** I'm currently partaking in another duty.

 **Regulus:** You... are gross.

 **Sirius:**  You don't even know what I'm doing! You cannot assume it is gross.   
**Sirius:** It is quite heavenly.

 **Regulus:** Is it Marlene again? 

 **Sirius:** EW. NO!  
**Sirius:** No!   
**Sirius:** Well you killed that mood. 

 **Regulus:** I'm not sorry.

 **Sirius:** You're a mean brother.

 **Regulus:** Who are you with? 

 **Sirius:** No one. 

 **Regulus:** You're too posh to wank, who are you with?  
**Regulus:** Oh My God.  
**Regulus:** Are you with Lupin or Potter? 

 **Sirius:**  

 **Regulus:** That doesn't answer. 

 **Sirius:** I am attempting to find a moon but I just keep finding a wolf emoji, which is adorable but unhelpful.

 **Regulus:** What the hell? The moon is near the end and how does that help me. 

 **Sirius:** GOD REGGIE FINE! I'M FUCKING REMUS 'MAN OF THE MOON' LUPIN, ALRIGHT? GOD YOU DRAGGED IT OUT OF ME.

 **Regulus:** I really. Really. Didn't.  
**Regulus:** Mother is going to behead you like the elves.

 **Sirius:** MEH. 

 **Regulus:** Excellent. Brilliant. Fantastic.   
**Regulus** : My brother is into dick... That's going to really help cool the amount of murder in the family.

* * *

**Snape:** Morning. How is all?

 **Rodolphus:** Bloody.

 **Snape:** Explain?

 **Rodolphus:** Bellatrix.

 **Snape:** Ah.  
**Snape:** Did you return home last night?

 **Rodolphus:** I assume that was incorrect of me. From the large gash on my neck.  
**Rodolphus:** I played into her hand this time. I pretended to beg for mercy, squealed and she eventually succumbed.

 **Snape:** You are learning well.

 **Rodolphus:** It was pretty hot until I passed out halfway through.

 **Snape:** Wait. What?

 **Rodolphus:** We were having sex. Is that not clear?

 **Snape:** No.

 **Rodolphus:** Oh she has a thing for torture.  
**Rodolphus:** It’s very attractive.

 **Snape:** Ok.

 **Rodolphus:** We got a little into the role play and forgot to play medic.

 **Snape:** Please Stop.

 **Rodolphus:** But. What can you do? Gotta give the lady what she wants. You know?

 **Snape:** I really do not.

 **Rodolphus:**  We have fun, we do.  
**Rodolphus:** BRB she’s mad I got blood on the floor.

 **Snape:** How… inconsiderate of you?

 **Rodolphus:** It's LIKE YOU'RE HERE!

 **Regulus:** I don’t know what I walked into.

 **Voldemort:** Ah the innocence of the world. I need you to be ready in ten minutes, we have a job to do.

 **Snape:** Of course, My Lord.

 **Regulus:** I don’t fancy being square, so I’ll be there.

 **Rodolphus:** Sir, I’m bleeding.

 **Voldemort:** Well I suggest you bleed on your own time. Also. Bring Bellatrix.

 **Rodolphus:** Sir?

 **Voldemort:** She has knowledge that I need a demonstration.

 **Snape:** Nice one, My Lord.

 **Voldemort:** YASSS 

* * *

**Voldemort:** Lucius

 **Lucius:** You called, My Lord.

 **Voldemort:** Have you been dropped on your head?  
**Voldemort:** Has the Blood left that very small brain of yours?  
**Voldemort:** Because I very clearly texted.

 **Lucius:** It was a term of speech, My Lord.

 **Voldemort:**  
Voldemort: I use emoji’s now.

 **Lucius:** An Excellent choice, My Lord.

 **Voldemort:** I need you to hide something for me. It is… of special value to me. Can I trust you with this, Lucius? Would you promise to protect this item, and love it, and stroke it when necessary?

 **Lucius:** I do, My Lord. I must warn you, I am terribly afraid of snakes, but I shall do my best.

 **Voldemort:** I do not see the value in that information.  
**Voldemort:** I guess.. thank you, for sharing? It isn’t prudent that we do that though.  
**Voldemort:** Actually I prefer if we don’t.

 **Lucius:** My Lord?

 **Voldemort:** This is the item.  
**Voldemort:**

 **Voldemort:** It is special to me,

 **Lucius:** A book?

 **Voldemort:** That is all.  
**Voldemort:** Oh.  
**Voldemort:** Do not talk to the book, Lucius. Please. While its appearances are of a diary, I really, really does not want to hear your deepest darkest secrets about how long it takes to condition your hair.  
**Voldemort:** No one does.  
**Voldemort:** Actually we’ve had complaints.

 **Lucius:** Oh, My Lord?

 **Voldemort:** Narcissa, mainly. But the others aren’t vibe-ing it either. I’d prefer you keep those feelings locked up inside. No one needs them to resurface?  
**Voldemort:** Please do better.

* * *

**Andromeda:** So, dinner at mine? I have news.

 **Sirius:** Can I bring a friend?

 **Bellatrix:** No.

 **Sirius:** Meda?

 **Andromeda:** Is it the tall, glasses wearing one?

 **Bellatrix:** Lol.  
**Bellatrix:** No.  
**Bellatrix:** The innocence.

 **Sirius:** Shut UP, Bella.

 **Bellatrix:** It’s the scarred one.  
**Bellatrix:** They’re “Dating”  
**Bellatrix:** Dating a man.  
**Bellatrix:** Sirius. Is SIRIUSLY Dating a man? I THINK HE IS. THE DISHONOUR. THE BLOOD-LURST I FEEL INSIDE OF ME. 

 **Sirius:**  Yeah, yeah. You angry. You a giant killing machine with your: "I will kill you" and all that you love.   
**Sirius:** It's getting tired, Bella.

 **Bellatrix:** Except. You don’t have the balls for that?

 **Sirius:** Fine. I will pretend to understand your nonsense. I have balls, good ones too. They do a good job off banging against the arse of MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND BELLATRIX!

 **Andromeda:** Well this got out of hand

 **Sirius:** OH AND FY-FUCKING-I! Bellatrix sucks Voldy off.  
**Sirius:** A Lot.  
**Sirius:** And he chokes her.  
**Sirius:** A Lot.

 **Bellatrix:** YOU BASTARD

 **Andromeda:** BELLA!

 **Sirius:** My parents are married, duh?

 **Bellatrix:** I will end you.  
**Bellatrix:** I will cut your hair. I will slice your skin. I will drain you of your blood!

 **Sirius:** Not the hair!!!!  
**Sirius:** The rest I’m okay with.  
**Sirius:** I'M KIDDING. I can grow this back in a minute, bitch. 

 **Bellatrix:** I am going to murder you slowly. Painfully. I will make it look so fucked Up that I get a medal from the dark lord!!

 **Sirius:** I bet you get a medal all the time ;)

 **Bellatrix:** UGH  
**Bellatrix:** I will make you wish you weren’t born!

 **Sirius:** I ALREADY WISH THAT

 **Andromeda:** So. Let’s reschedule?

* * *

 

 **Regulus:** So. Our siblings hate each other?

 **Narcissa:** I am attempting to remain indifferent.

 **Regulus:** Meh.  
**Regulus:** I’m rather enjoying it.  
**Regulus:** I'm making t-shirts to show my support.

 **Narcissa:** He told your mum you hadn’t murdered anyone yet, didn’t he?

 **Regulus:** He made a poster. It flashed and sang.  
**Regulus:** Mother was unimpressed with my excuse

 **Narcissa:** Which was?

 **Regulus:** That I weigh as much as a feather and my only defining skill is sarcasm. Murder seemed difficult with my disability. 

 **Narcissa:** Ah.

 **Regulus:** I’m kind of hoping for a death this time.  
**Regulus:** #TeamBella

 **Narcissa:** You know. With Sirius dead, you’d become the one to marry and all of Walburga’s efforts will be pushed onto you?

 **Regulus:** Fuck.  
**Regulus:** I might call Sirius.  & you know, apologise.

 **Narcissa:** He’s with the gangly boy in Diagon. They were being disgusting with ice-cream.

 **Regulus:** Love you.

 **Narcissa:**  

* * *

 

 **Bellatrix:** A request to kill Severus, please?

 **Voldemort:** I’m honoured you’d bother asking, Bella.  
**Voldemort:** Usually you just… act.

 **Bellatrix:** Someone informed me I don’t always do the right thing.  
**Bellatrix:** I’ve sort of become talented at it.

 **Voldemort:** Can I ask why you wish to murder Severus?

 **Bellatrix:** I just… don’t like him.

 **Voldemort:** It’s the eye isn’t it?

 **Bellatrix:** THEY’RE SO SHIFTY  
**Bellatrix:** And beetle like.  
**Bellatrix:** His eyes make me suspicious.

 **Voldemort:** His breath makes you suspicious, I remember you telling me over our last rendezvous.

 **Bellatrix:**  You know me so well. And remember the little things, my Lord. Why are you so perfect for me?

 **Voldemort:** I'm not sure, but it doesn’t take a lot of work.  
**Voldemort:** It comes easy being this handsome and perfect. 

 **Bellatrix:** His nose.  
**Bellatrix:** He also has a suspicious nose.

 **Voldemort:** I’ll see if he will consider surgical enhancements to fix it.

 **Bellatrix:**  

 **Voldemort:** I am thinking of relieving you of your husband.

 **Bellatrix:** You mean, by Death?

 **Voldemort:** Maybe.

**Bellatrix:**

**Voldemort:** Why have you sent me a dribbling face and an aubergine?

 **Bellatrix:** It’s a code for sucking you off.

 **Voldemort:** Ah.  
**Voldemort:**  

* * *

 

 **Regulus:** Mother is looking for you.

 **Sirius:** Delightful.

 **Regulus:** If you’re fucking Lupin again, I suggest you stop.

 **Sirius:** I am not.  
**Sirius:** I’m sucking him off.  
**Sirius:** So my hands can be free to insult you.

 **Regulus:** You’re a weird man.

 **Sirius:** So I’ve been told.  
**Sirius:** Why is she looking for me?

 **Regulus:** Huge disappointment blah blah. Caught snogging a bloke, blah blah. Dishonour and shit, blah blah. Waste of air, blah blah. Set a bunch of wild racoons on me, blah blah.

 **Sirius:** Ah.  
**Sirius:** How did Operation Ra-curga go?

 **Regulus:** It had a name?

 **Sirius:** All operations have names, Reg.  
**Sirius:** How do you not know this? How have you learnt nothing from me?  
**Sirius:** Be my eyes at least, Regulus!

 **Regulus:** A racoon has locked itself in the kitchen and everyone out of it.  
**Regulus:** Mum is shouting. Dad is stoic.  
**Regulus:** The racoon is writing demands down and shoving them under the door.

 **Sirius:** Ah that’s Tim. He’s a shifty bugger.

 **Regulus:** He’s demanding money. What the fuck does a racoon want with money?

 **Sirius:** HE HAS A MORTGAGE TOO YOU KNOW? Not everyone is born rich, REGULUS! God!

 **Regulus:** He demanded a million pounds.

 **Sirius:** Well…  
**Sirius:** Lest be warned that making deals with back alley racoons aren’t always wise.  
**Sirius:** Also… back alleys ;)

 **Regulus:** Oh hell no.

* * *

**Bellatrix:** Where are you bitches at?

 **Narcissa:** Coming.

 **Andromeda:** Ugh.

 **Bellatrix:** Don’t you Ugh me you Hufflepuff loving traitor! This is an emergency.

 **Andromeda:** ??

 **Bellatrix:** I need you to come round. Okay? Just come here and aid me.

 **Andromeda:** Cissa…

 **Narcissa:** I SAID IM COMING.

 **Andromeda:** Bella. I need you to give me more details. Is this a “likely to go to prison” meet-up or a “There’s a spider in my bathtub”.

 **Bellatrix:** If there was a spider, do you not think I’d have murdered it?  
**Bellatrix:** It’s like you don’t even know me.

 **Andromeda:** I like to think better of you.

 **Bellatrix:** Well Don’t.

 **Andromeda:** I can’t be caught with a body again, Bella. It was suspicious the last time.

 **Bellatrix:** Narcissa!

 **Narcissa:** COMING.

 **Andromeda:** Oh…

 **Bellatrix:** Oh?

 **Andromeda:** Think about it.

 **Bellatrix:** …  
**Bellatrix:** Ew.  
**Bellatrix:** Just EW! I mean. I am having a crisis here and she’s… ew.

 **Andromeda:** Bellatrix…

 **Bellatrix:** Mistakes have been made.

 **Andromeda:** Tell me you didn’t murder.

Bellatrix: I cannot.

 **Andromeda:** Fuck me. What is wrong with you?

 **Bellatrix:** Affair with my boss. BDSM. Need for a sight of blood daily. Depression. Shifty-Nose Anxiety. What isn’t? That’s the better question. 

 **Narcissa:** Well.

 **Andromeda:**  Look who returned to us.

 **Narcissa:** I have a plan.

 **Bellatrix:** You do?

 **Andromeda:** You do?

 **Narcissa:** Well. No. But I wanted to sound useful.

 **Andromeda:** Use-fuck.  
**Andromeda:** Oh it sounded better in my head.  
**Andromeda:** Did I kill the chat?

 **Bellatrix:** As the matter of killing. Yes. Yes, you did.

* * *

 

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** I need you to remain calm.

 **Regulus:** What did you do?

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** You know how you asked me to think before I act.  
**Barty Crouch Jnr:** I didn’t.

 **Regulus:** What did you do?

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** I may. Or may not. I’m not sure. Have burnt a house down.

 **Regulus:** WTF?!

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** Well you know how I like to dance with my lighter? Because it makes me look trendy as fuck. Well. Remember how you said, “B-Crutch, look out and be careful?” I didn’t.

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** I didn’t do any of it.

 **Regulus:** Who’s house?

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** Okay this is why I need you to be calm.

 **Regulus:** YOU BURNT MY HOUSE DOWN?  
**Regulus:** OMFG! What about Kreacher?

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** No. Not that house,  
**Barty Crouch Jnr:** The Secret one.

 **Regulus:** The one no one is meant to know about in case we need to hide from the dictator we have shackled our lives too? That house? 

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** Except people do, like know about it. There are a shit ton of Aurors there now.  
**Barty Crouch Jnr:** I may have Dark Mark’d it. You know? To cover the accidental fire burning.

 **Regulus:** I feel like hating you.

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** I thought you might.  
**Barty Crouch Jnr:** But I’d like to remind you that I forgave you when you said I was a little bitch.

 **Regulus:** You are, a little bitch.

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** Well I’m not. And also, it hurt my feelings then and it does now.

 **Regulus:** You burnt my safe house down.  
**Regulus:** My safe house.  
**Regulus:** MY SAFE HOUSE.  
**Regulus:** Your “feelings” and my safe house are not mutually inclusive! They’re opposites. Polar. Fucking. Opposites.

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** I feel like you should calm down. Accidents happen.

 **Regulus:** Damn right they do.  
**Regulus:** All the damn time.

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** Why am I getting Bellatrix vibes from you?

 **Regulus:** Hide. Run and Hide.

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** This is not how this was supposed to go.

 **Regulus:** ??

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** You were meant to laugh. Like, “Haha,” and ‘Oh Barty, you deviant,’.

 **Regulus:**  

 **Barty Crouch Jnr:** Ah Yes. Running. And hiding. Bye!

* * *

 


End file.
